So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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