i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
