I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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