haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
