In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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