I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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