Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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