So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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