Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
