Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My balls are so social today.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
