the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
