Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
