He uses pillows to masturbate.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
what day is it and did you see me today?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize