Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
