Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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