Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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