If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
