I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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