I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
