soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize