Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize