Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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