Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
