I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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