you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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