4 words: hood of his car
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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