Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
