i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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