Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
