So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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