I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
