i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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