Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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