On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
