I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i already hear my dad disowning me
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
