were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
