I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
