3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
