All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
