She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
