Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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