I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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