So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
And then he peed in my hair
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