he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
