i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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