I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize