The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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