tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
