My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize