I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
