so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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