i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
