glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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