My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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