I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
3 2 1 whiskey
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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