his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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