Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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