what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
